Thursday, April 29, 2010

I am sad, I am thoughtful, I am grateful.

** warning, this is a very emotional post that has nothing to do with weightloss**

This post isn't about weightloss, it's about some things that have happened in my life recently and that I need to process, but that I can't voice to anyone at this moment. Right now I can't sleep, and I can't stop crying. I can't talk to my husband about it, he's not a woman, has no siblings, and would just think I am being over emotional.

As some people (whomever it is that may read this blog) may know, my husband and I have been trying to conceive for over a year with no results. Even though I already have a terrific child who will turn 4 soon, I would love to give him a sibling, the beauty of having someone who will always be there even though he may love them some days, and hate them on some others.

In March, I found out that my sister, who isn't finished college yet and who had just announced her engagement, was pregnant  (although I can assure the engagement isn't because of the pregnancy). As much as I wanted to be happy for her, I just kept feeling that it was so unfair, since I felt that she so isn't ready for a child (and who ever is?). I felt like a horrible person for feeling that way but just coudln't help it. Just as I was starting to get a hold of these feelings, I get a phone call...

My sister had a miscarriage on Monday. Since then, I feel like my world has been upside down. I have just been feeling like crying all the time. I feel such sadness for her as I know that when you get pregnant (and even before), you start dreaming up a whole wonderful world for your child, and I know that even though she may have them again, that she might feel as though she has just lost everything. My sister lives far away, and even though we're not close, I wish I could be there just to hold her as I know words are just never enough in this situation.

At this moment, I feel sad, and have to admit I can barely see my screen as I am writing this. I feel sad for my sister, for her fiance. I feel sad because of everything they have lost and all of the rebuilding she will have to do.

I feel sad, because I know that too often, in my own life, my wonderful son gets pushed aside for work and other household duties, or just because I am tired from a long day. Today, he didn't even ask me to play with him, and that makes me feel sad. And tonight, when I told him I loved him bigger than the whole world, and in his little voice he told me 'me too', I felt sad for what my sister is missing, but will hopefully someday know. I felt sad that I always wish for more, I felt sad that my son doesn't always get all the love and attention he deserves, but it made me happy that I have a healthy and beautiful child.

What happened makes me realise how lucky I am to have him, and reminds me to just be grateful to have him. This makes all the things I want so small compared to everything that is at stake, every day.

From now on, I hope that I can just remember to give my son all the time that I can in the short hours we get to spend together between work and bedtime. That he needs me, that life is fragile, and that I can't just take him for granted because he is truly a gift, and not just an accident. I hope that I will live to be very old just to remind him that he makes the sky bluer and the sun brighter.

As mother's day looms, I want to thank my mom for having the courage to love us, for putting on a brave face even when she may have felt that her world was falling apart, to thank her for giving her all no matter how difficult we made life sometimes, to thank her for all that she gave of herself in a task that is way more demanding than she could ever have imagined. I want to thank her for her time, for her love, for her sadness, for her pride, for her intelligence, for her silliness, for her imagination and her clear resolve in making us better individuals. I want to thank her for being there when we needed her and for gracefully taking a step back when we thought we didn't. I want to remind her that I love her for all of that, and for so much more.

Now, in an anticlimatic statement, I want to say that I am finished rambling and that it is time for bed. Goodnight, dream big dreams, love even bigger.

1 comment:

  1. Hey Steph-

    As a single woman with no children, and no sisters, I don't have any insightful words of wisdom, and I know I can't truly understand what you're going through.

    I just wanted to let you know that I read this, and my heart goes out to you and your family. I'm sorry to hear about your sister's loss, and the sadness that you're feeling as a result. Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you. ((hugs))