I am sad, I am thoughtful, I am grateful.

** warning, this is a very emotional post that has nothing to do with weightloss**

This post isn't about weightloss, it's about some things that have happened in my life recently and that I need to process, but that I can't voice to anyone at this moment. Right now I can't sleep, and I can't stop crying. I can't talk to my husband about it, he's not a woman, has no siblings, and would just think I am being over emotional.

As some people (whomever it is that may read this blog) may know, my husband and I have been trying to conceive for over a year with no results. Even though I already have a terrific child who will turn 4 soon, I would love to give him a sibling, the beauty of having someone who will always be there even though he may love them some days, and hate them on some others.

In March, I found out that my sister, who isn't finished college yet and who had just announced her engagement, was pregnant  (although I can assure the engagement isn't because of the pregnancy). As much as I wanted to be happy for her, I just kept feeling that it was so unfair, since I felt that she so isn't ready for a child (and who ever is?). I felt like a horrible person for feeling that way but just coudln't help it. Just as I was starting to get a hold of these feelings, I get a phone call...

My sister had a miscarriage on Monday. Since then, I feel like my world has been upside down. I have just been feeling like crying all the time. I feel such sadness for her as I know that when you get pregnant (and even before), you start dreaming up a whole wonderful world for your child, and I know that even though she may have them again, that she might feel as though she has just lost everything. My sister lives far away, and even though we're not close, I wish I could be there just to hold her as I know words are just never enough in this situation.

At this moment, I feel sad, and have to admit I can barely see my screen as I am writing this. I feel sad for my sister, for her fiance. I feel sad because of everything they have lost and all of the rebuilding she will have to do.

I feel sad, because I know that too often, in my own life, my wonderful son gets pushed aside for work and other household duties, or just because I am tired from a long day. Today, he didn't even ask me to play with him, and that makes me feel sad. And tonight, when I told him I loved him bigger than the whole world, and in his little voice he told me 'me too', I felt sad for what my sister is missing, but will hopefully someday know. I felt sad that I always wish for more, I felt sad that my son doesn't always get all the love and attention he deserves, but it made me happy that I have a healthy and beautiful child.

What happened makes me realise how lucky I am to have him, and reminds me to just be grateful to have him. This makes all the things I want so small compared to everything that is at stake, every day.

From now on, I hope that I can just remember to give my son all the time that I can in the short hours we get to spend together between work and bedtime. That he needs me, that life is fragile, and that I can't just take him for granted because he is truly a gift, and not just an accident. I hope that I will live to be very old just to remind him that he makes the sky bluer and the sun brighter.

As mother's day looms, I want to thank my mom for having the courage to love us, for putting on a brave face even when she may have felt that her world was falling apart, to thank her for giving her all no matter how difficult we made life sometimes, to thank her for all that she gave of herself in a task that is way more demanding than she could ever have imagined. I want to thank her for her time, for her love, for her sadness, for her pride, for her intelligence, for her silliness, for her imagination and her clear resolve in making us better individuals. I want to thank her for being there when we needed her and for gracefully taking a step back when we thought we didn't. I want to remind her that I love her for all of that, and for so much more.

Now, in an anticlimatic statement, I want to say that I am finished rambling and that it is time for bed. Goodnight, dream big dreams, love even bigger.

Another Try

I have been away from this for way to long. I had stopped following weight watchers when after I got to 211 pounds (from 221) as I got stuck at that weight. After months of procrastination, and under advisement of my doctor, I started seeing Doctor Douglas Bishop, who has a weight loss clinic here in Ottawa. I've been on this low carb diet for almost four weeks and although it's though sometimes (as I married an Italian, carb king), overall it's going really well. I've already lost 5.5 pounds and am not having any cravings or finding myself needing to binge. I love it!

It's been awhile... repeat

I haven't posted in forever, and I haven't read anyones posts since Quebec City either. I think it shows as I've been feeling a lack of commitment to WW lately. In the last 3 weeks, I have gained, lost and regained the same 2 lbs.

So sometime this week, I need to sit down (fairly early) with a good cup of Java (or hot chocolate milk) and take the time to read up on all the people I follow and do some reflecting of my own.

I've learned of a medical issue that I may have on Monday, and until all the tests come in, I finally accepted that there is no point in torturing myself. So I will educate myself on PCOS so that I am ready to deal with it, or not deal with it when my diagnosis comes.

Have a good week, and I will post again soon to keep myself motivated.

Goodnight.

C25K

Hello from Quebec City!

I just took it, at 8:00, from a Hilton hotel room! I didn't take it when I woke up at 7:00 since everything was foggy and it was just white.

I feel great! I just got back to my hotel room after doing my first session from the C25K (Couch to 5 Km). I'd been considering taking up running for a while, and finally took the leap. First my plan was to do it in the morning since no other plan was really feasible. So I set a goal to get up at 6:00 every morning. Though that didn't quite work out, I still got up earlier than I normally would have. So I figured it would be time that I start soon. Since I have a hard time sleeping in a hotel room, I figures might as well get up early and get this thing started, and I did!

I never realised how short a minute was and then how long. The session comprised of a 5 minute warmeup walk with 6 reps of 60 seconds of running and 90 seconds of running. I didn't run very fast (7.5 kph). At first, I thought:

'This isn't so bad, maybe I should run faster, then again, it's my first time running so I'll take it easy as I have a full day of work ahead'.

By the 3rd rep:

'Ouch, my legs are getting tired'

By the 5th:

'Breathing is a little difficult, man I'm out of shape!'

And for the 6th and last, I decided to run faster just to see if I could at 8.5 kph and thought:

'thank god I didn't do this for all of my reps, my legs feel like jelly!'

But you know what,  by the time I ended my cooldown and was walking to the elevators, I felt great and I still do. It wasn't easy, and I'm glad I didn't go faster or else I don't think I would have made it past the first 3 reps. I think for my next session I'll start at 8.5mph and then slow down if I need to though now that I know a little more what to expect. My next session is also on the threadmill since I figure, once I set a speed, I have to go that speed, I can't just slow down and it makes it easier to follow a certain pace. I imagine it'll be a lot harder at home when I'll be outside and will have to do it on will alone.

I am officially considering a non scale victory, yay for exercise!

Room service just for here with my hearty breakfast... awesome, I'm starved!!!!

I'll keep you posted on the running!

Heavenly quiet...

My sleep training isn't going so well, meawhile, J's is going great! That first night, he cried for 50 minutes, getting out of bed multiple times. Tuesday, no crying, no getting out of bed, and yesterday he cried for about 3-5 minutes, but didn't get out bed. It's wonderful, I have time to myself in the evening now! I just had to share that as it's such a relief that he's doing so well. We reward him with pieces of a foam alphabet puzzle everyday, which works wonderfully (1 if he gets out of bed, 2 if he doesn't). I was scared that it wouldn't since stickers and such didn't work for other things.

Eating hasn't been great, we really need groceries (which hubby is doing this morning!). So that will help, though I'm a little worried about my eating for the following week while I'm on a conference. I really look forward to visiting Quebec city and am hoping to get a lot of exercise in.

So I am waaaayyyy behind on my blog reading, hopefully I'll catch up with that tonight. I like reading what everyone else if up to and their inspirational little thoughts or calls to action, here's mine for today:

When you're overwhelmed with everything, play Henry Hatsworth (a DS game), you'll be so consumed you'll forget about everything else! :)

Have a good day!

Oh no a gain!

Ouch, weight in was today and I'm up 2.5 lbs. I'm not surprised as my eating hasn't been the greatest, that and since Saturday I feel bloated and dehydrated no matter how much I drink, so hopefully, it's mostly water weight. I'll have to be careful to watch what I eat and get some exercise in since I'll be leaving Saturday for 5 days. 2 days of travel, 3 days of conference.

On the sleep front, I haven't been getting up at 6 o'clock sharp since Saturday. I slept longer on Sunday as I had gone to bed at 3am thanks to Sadie's birthday party! Then yesterday and this morning, I was just too lazy and tired. I've been feeling exhausted lately. Hopefully, my son will fall asleep easily tonight so that I can go to bed early. It's been a bit crazy, at the same time, I'm trying to get up earlier in the morning, we're trying to get him to get to sleep by himself. He use to do it just fine until he started having nightmares this summer and since we've been staying with him until he falls asleep. A hellish habit to break for sure. It's so guilt enducing and heartbreaking sleep training a child, but if it means he gets to sleep faster and earlier it will be better for his health and save my sanity as I feel like I have no time to myself. I do have some time, just none to really spend with my husband and I think that that's hard on both of us. It took J(our son) a mere 50 minutes to stop crying last night. Lets see how he does tonight.

This is how I feel today: Like I can't wrap my head around everything I have to get done. I have to go write a game plan now.... Have a good day while I dig myself out!

P.S. My first photo inside a post!

8:33

The title is the time at which I woke up this morning. I forgot to set my clock last night and didn't wake up until this time. Although I'm not upset. I'd been tired a lot lately, and if I didn't wake up before that, I guess that my body needed the sleep. The good thing that I did though is that I got out of bed right away instead of lingering and dozing on and off, which is what I think really messes up my sleep schedule.

Weather report: -1, with a high of 9... yay for 9!

Today, we'll be running around a lot, so eating right will be difficult. We do have leftovers though, so I'll try to tackle those so that I know what I'm eating.

Off to get dressed and go shopping... maybe I'll pick up a new measuring tape.

Have a good weekend!